Manchester United F.C.

Manchester United F.C. ~ Paul Schones

Introduction: Paul Scholes is an exemplary kickballer playing for Manchester United and an excellent cricketer in his day. He started training for Manchester United at the age of 14.  He has played 499 matches for them, scoring 107 goals.

He has also represented England from 1997 to 2004 earning 66 caps. One of the best kickballing midfielders of his generation during which he amassed some 120 bookings. He has retired twice.


He is an asthmatic and has a knee condition with the excellent name of Osgood–Schlatter disease, which sounds a little Chelsea-esque to me. He does a lot of work encouraging the youth of Manchester by making school appearances and is a strong supporter of the Hearts And Minds Challenge charity that is looking to build a centre of education for autism.

A savage on the field; a saint off it.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 20 mins

Home kit: non-stick baking sheet, food processer, medium mixing bowl

Away kit: A serving plate

Serves: 8


  • 225g/8oz self-raising flour
  • Half a teaspoon of salt
  • 55g/2oz cold butter, diced
  • 30g/1oz caster sugar
  • 150ml/5floz milk
  • 115g/4oz chopped dried apricots (ginger you see)

Method: Preheat the oven to 200oC

First Half

Lightly oil a non-stick baking sheet.

Sift the flour and salt into a food processor. Add the butter, whiz to fine crumbs, and then tip the mixture into a bowl. Otherwise, sift the flour and salt into a bowl and, using your fingertips, rub the butter into the flour until it resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Stir in the sugar and the dried apricots, then add the milk and mix until it forms a soft, spongy dough.

Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and gently knead until it is just smooth. The raising agent starts to work as soon as the liquid is added, so it’s essential to be quick.

Second Half

Roll out the dough to about 2.5cm (an inch) thick. Dust a 7cm (2¾ inch) diameter pastry cutter in flour and quickly stamp out your scones.  Place the scones on the baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes until well risen and brown.

Full time results

Allow to cool a little and serve warm with a nice cup of tea at half time.

Manchester United F.C. ~ Sir Alex Burgerson

Introduction: Sir Alex Ferguson was born on the 31st December 1941 in Glasgow. He shares a birthday with my grandfather.

He has won 49 trophies as a manager, making him the most successful British kickball manager in history.

The key to cooking a good burger is to create umami.  You can achieve this by getting the griddle you cook your burger on extremely hot before cooking. If you set off the fire alarms you’re doing it right!

Preparation time: 20 mins

Cooking time: 4 mins, plus 5 mins Bergie time

Home kit: griddle or barbecue,

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks,

Serves: 4


  • 4 x 100% Aberdeen Angus beef burgers
  • 4 x soft white floured bread rolls
  • Salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • Olive oil
  • Lettuce – shredded
  • Tomato, cut into strips
  • Dill pickles, cut into strips
  • Mayonnaise (full fat not the sliming rubbish)
  • Tomato sauce

Method: Preheat the barbecue or griddle till it’s smoking hot

First half

Coat the burgers with a generous pinch of salt and pepper. Allow to sit for a few minutes while the griddle or barbecue gets hot, stinking hot. Now coat with a light brush of olive oil and place on the heat and sear for one minute. Turn and sear for one minute. Rotate 90o and turn to get a goal net pattern going on your burgers, sear for one minute. Turn and sear for the final minute.

Put aside to rest for 5 mins (Bergie time) to allow the meat to relax and become soft.

Second half

While the burgers are resting toast the buns. Put the mayonnaise and tomato sauce on the base of the roll then cover with the shredded lettuce. After the 5 mins Bergie time place the pattie on the bun/lettuce combo and make a lattice of tomato and dill pickle strips on top to make a tasty vegetable tartan.

Full time results

Close the bun and eat vigorously as if on the side lines chewing gum.

Manchester United F.C. ~ Red Devilled Kidneys

Introduction: There is a rumour that suggests during a tour of France in the 1960s Manchester United were branded the Red Devils due to their red kit and Sir Matt Busby liked the name so much he asked for the club to incorporate a devil into the badge.

File:Manchester United FC crest.svg

Devilling is the use of Worcestershire sauce, mustard and cayenne pepper to flavour stuff, in this case kidneys.  It is an Edwardian (1901-1910) recipe popularised in gentleman’s clubs along with kedgeree and smoked herring.  This is the era during which Manchester United was officially born, specifically the 24th April 1902.

Preparation time: 25 mins

Cooking time: 10-30 mins

Home kit; Large frying pan

Away kit; 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4


  • 6 lambs’ kidneys, about 375g/13oz, skinned
  • 2 tbsp. plain flour
  • 25g/1oz butter for frying
  • ½ small onion, finely chopped
  • 1 tbsp. tomato purée
  • 1 tsp. grain mustard
  • Pinch cayenne pepper
  • 1–2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
  • 1 tsp. RedDevilsCurrant jelly
  • sea salt and freshly ground pepper
  • 4 thick slices of crusty bread
  • butter, for spreading


First half

Rinse the kidneys under cold running water. Using scissors, carefully cut the white cores out and bin them. If you have time, soak them in milk for 20mins before cooking, this removes any bitterness.

Melt the butter in a frying pan, not too hot or you’ll burn it. Add the onion and fry gently for 3–4 minutes until soft and turning golden-brown. Add the kidneys and cook for 2–3 minutes, turning every now and then until well coloured. BTW, cutting the little white bits out stops the kidneys curling.

Second half

Add the tomato purée, mustard, cayenne pepper, Worcestershire sauce and the critical RedDevilsCurrant jelly, season with salt and freshly ground black pepper.

Let the sauce bubble for a bit, say a minute, loosen with Worcestershire sauce if necessary. Set aside to cool for a little while in the pan while you toast the bread.

Full time results

Spread the toast with butter and lob on the kidneys. Serve immediately.

Manchester United F.C. ~ Robin Van Pastie

Introduction: I wrote this recipe about two days before Robin van Persie moved to Manchester Utd.image

Robin van Persie was born on the 6th August 1983, he is a Dutch kickballer who now plays as a striker for Manchester United for whom he has made 56 appearances and scoring 37 goals.

He has also made 277 appearances for for The Arsenal and scored 132 goals for them.  He was their top goal scorer in 2006/7, 2008/9, 2010/11 and 2011/12.

My friend says that a pastie made from robins would not taste very nice.

Preparation time: 20 mins

Cooking time: 1 hour

Home kit; baking tray

Away kit; 6 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 6


  • A 500g pack ready rolled short crust pastry
  • 300g (11 oz.) thinly sliced potatoes
  • 2 onions, thinly sliced
  • 225g (8 oz.) steak, cut in 1cm cubes
  • 1½ teaspoons salt
  • 1 generous pinch ground black pepper
  • 30g (1 oz) butter

Method: Preheat the oven to 190oC

First half

Divide pastry in three equal parts. Roll a third of the dough to make a 20x40cm rectangle. Cut to make two 20cm squares. Place on baking tray. Repeat with other two thirds of pastry, ending up with six pastry squares.

Arrange layer of potatoes on half of each pastry square, top with layer of onion and then with meat. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and dot with butter.

Moisten pastry edges with cold water and fold over to make triangles; press edges together to make tight seal. A tight seal retains steam and makes juicy pasties.

Second half

Bung ‘em in the oven for 1 hour or until meat is tender.

N.B. Ovens do come with timers so you can do the prep for your van Pasties stick them in the oven and set the timer to have them ready for when you get back from the game / pub.

Also, if you let the pasties to cool completely you can chuck them into freezer bags and keep them for up to 3 months for defrosting on match days.

Full time result

Serve straight from the oven on warmed plates with chips in winter or cold with salad in summer with HP sauce at all times.

David Speckham and Lionel Mezze

Thanks to Jay and Gary for providing the inspiration and input to the day that Becks announced his retirement from Paris Saint Germain F.C.  Jay had spent a day food shopping and had bought some very expensive David Speckham.  Not at all surprising I suppose.


Also, Gary suggested a lunch or dinner with 11 courses, one to represent each of the players on a team.  We decided it would be a Greek dish called a Lionel Mezze.