CRYSTAL PALACE F.C. ~ John Salsalako

Introduction: John Akin Salako (born 11 February 1969) is a Nigerian-born English former professional footballer, sports television pundit and U16 coach of Premier League side Crystal Palace.

He played as a midfielder for Palace from 1986 until 1995. He represented England at senior level, earning five caps, all during 1991. He help Palace reach the FA cup final in 1990.

Preparation time: 5mins

Standing time: 0-30 mins

Home kit: whizzy stick (hand held blender) and whizzy stick beaker

Away kit: medium serving bowl, tortillas

Serves: 4


  • 1 tsp. chilli powder
  • bunch coriander, chopped (Basil is a good substitute)
  • 2 tomatoes, finely chopped
  • ½ red onion, finely chopped
  • ½ lime, juice only
  • 1 ripe avocado
  • salt, to taste


First half

Put the coriander, tomato, onion, ripe avocado and salt into the whizzy stick pot and whizz them into submission. Stir in the chilli and the lime juice which loosens the mixture.

Second half

Leave to fester for about 30 mins but you can tuck in immediately if time is short.

Full time results

Slop into the bowl and dip the tortillas into it.

Is it salsa? Is it guacamole? No it’s Salsalako.  Works well in fajita’s too.

Wigan Athletic F.C. ~ Crab Laticakes

Introduction: The club’s nickname, “Latics” is a contraction of the word “Athletic” in some strange dialect.


Make these up before you go to the match and stick them in the fridge to firm up.

Preparation time: 10 mins

Chilling time; The longer the better

Cooking time: 10 mins

Home kit: large mixing bowl, large non-stick frying pan

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4


  • 250g (9oz) white crab meat
  • 4 spring onions, thinly sliced
  • A thumb of fresh ginger, grated
  • 4tbsp fresh chives, finely chopped
  • 1 red chilli, deseeded and finely chopped
  • 2 large eggs
  • 200g (7oz) fresh white breadcrumbs
  • 3tbsp vegetable oil
  • 4tbsp mayonnaise (full fat not that light rubbish)
  • Finely grated zest and juice of ½ lime, plus lime wedges to serve
  • Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper

Method: Preheat the oven to 100oC

First half

Mix the crab, spring onions, ginger, chives, chilli, eggs and breadcrumbs together in the bowl. Season and form into 16 round patties.

Second half

Heat the oil in the frying pan. Fry the crab cakes for 3 mins each side so they turn crispy and golden – if you do this in batches they turn crispy quicker as there is not so much steam in the pan.

Full time results

Mix together the mayonnaise, lime zest and juice. Season well and serve with the crab cakes, lime wedges and a crisp green salad if you must or stick them in come crusty bread rolls.

Wigan Athletic F.C. ~ Jewell Ruby Murray

Introduction: Paul Jewell (born 28 September 1964) is a former English footballer and manager.

In June 2001, Jewell returned to Wigan Athletic as manager, he had played for them making 137 league appearances and scoring 35 goals. In the 2002–03 season the club won the Division Two championship. They were near the top of Division One throughout the 2003–04 and then on the final day of the 2004–05 Championship season, Jewell’s Athletic side clinched promotion to the Premiership bringing top flight football to the Lancashire town for the first time.

On the final day of the 2006–07 season, Jewell steered Wigan safe from relegation after a win against Sheffield United at Bramall Lane on 13 May 2007. A day later, Jewell resigned as Wigan manager. Shame.

My grandfather used to put dried prawns in with his beef dishes but I have only just found a supplier for them so I have never tried them.

Preparation time: 20mins

Cooking time: 2 hours

Home kit: large shallow casserole, medium bowl and a pestle and mortar.

Away kit: 4 plates, 4 spoons (curry should be eaten with a spoon)

Serves: 4


  • 2 lb. stewing beef, cut into 1 inch cubes
  • A thumb of ginger
  • ½ a bulb of garlic
  • ¾ pint of water
  • 10 tablespoons (160 ml) vegetable oil
  • 10 cardamom pods
  • 2 bay leaves
  • 10 whole black pepper corns
  • 1 inch cinnamon stick
  • 1 large onion
  • 1 tsp. coriander seeds
  • 1 tsp. cumin seeds
  • 5 tsp. bright red paprika
  • 2 tsp. hot chilli powder
  • A generous pinch of salt (for grinding)
  • 2 tbsp. tomato puree
  • Freshly ground black pepper

Method: Preheat the oven to 180oC

First half

Put the coriander and cumin seeds into the pestle and mortar with the pinch of salt and do a little grind.

Heat the oil in the casserole over a medium flame. Brown the meat in batches and set aside in the bowl. Do a little grind…

Add the cardamom, bay leaves, pepper corns and cinnamon into the same oil. Stir once. After a few seconds tip in the onion, fry them until golden brown and caramelized. This is important to the taste and will take about 5 mins. Do a little grind…

Now add the ginger and garlic and fry for a further 30 seconds. Add the newly ground coriander and cumin along with the paprika and chilli. Roast these in the oil for a further 30 seconds. Now return the meat and scooch it about in the spices carefully coating each piece.

Second half

The spices will have stuck a bit at this point so pour in the water (careful it will sizzle) and use a wooden spoon to sloosh them off the bottom of the pan. Add the tomato puree and mix that in too. Bring to the boil and stick the casserole in the oven and leave to fester for 2 hours.

Full time results

Serve with pure white boiled basmati rice to contrast with the deep red of the gravy.

N.B. If you turn down the oven temp to 170oC you can leave this in the oven for an entire visit to your local stadium and it’ll be none the worse for wear.  Though you might need someone else to prepare the rice for you.

Southampton F.C. ~ Saintchiladas

Introduction: The club has been called “The Saints” since it was founded on 21st November 1885 by members of the St. Mary’s Church of England Young Men’s Association (St. Mary’s YMA). So, it was an historic homecoming in 2001 when the team returned to St. Mary’s stadium next to that same church over a century later.

St. Mary's

In case you’ve not come across one of these (as I hadn’t) an enchilada is a tortilla rolled around a filling, chicken in this case, and smothered in a sauce of some description.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 15 mins first half and 20 mins second half

Home kit: A medium and large saucepan, two mixing bowls and a large baking tray

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4


  • 1.5 pints chicken stock
  • 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, cut into strips
  • 6 green chillies
  • 1 clove garlic
  • 1 jar salsa
  • 4 oz. grated cheddar
  • 2 oz. grated parmesan
  • a handful of fresh coriander, chopped
  • 1 jar sliced black olives, drained
  • 1 jar enchilada sauce
  • Mexican hot sauce
  • 2 tsp. Cayenne pepper
  • 8 corn tortillas (6 inches across)


First half – before the match

Bring the stock to the boil in the medium pan, reduce the heat and add the chicken, chillies and garlic. Cook for 15 minutes or until chicken is cooked through. Strain chicken, run cold water over it and shred into a bowl. Mix in the jar of salsa and set aside.

In the other bowl, mix up the cheddar, parmesan, coriander and olives.

In the large saucepan over medium heat, combine enchilada sauce, Mexican hot sauce and cayenne pepper (to taste). Stir until simmering then remove from the heat and set aside.

Second half – After the match – Preheat the oven to 220oC

Grease the baking tray (unless it’s non-stick). Microwave the tortillas for 20 seconds to soften them. Place small handfuls of the cheese mixture and chicken in centre of each tortilla, roll up and place on the baking tray, seam side down. Ladle on sauce and top with any remaining cheese mixture. Bake 20 minutes.

Full time results

Serve with remaining sauce on the side.

Southampton F.C. ~ Currie McMenemy

Introduction: Lawrence “Lawrie” McMenemy MBE (born Gateshead, 26 July 1936) is a retired English football coach, best known for his spell as manager of Southampton Football Club.  He was on the Newcastle payroll but never played for the first team. Lawrie McMenemy is rated in the Guinness Book of Records as one of the twenty most successful managers in post-war English football.

His 12 years at Southampton put both him and the club on the map by guiding Southampton to FA Cup victory with a 1-0 win over Manchester United in 1976. They were runners-up in the League Cup in 1979 and the First Division in 1983-84. He persuaded Kevin Keegan, the then England captain, to join Southampton in 1980 after two years in the Bundesliga.

He is an ex-Coldstream Guardsman.

Blimey I’ve not cooked this in a while. I think the last time was for that great kickball aficionado David “Rodders” Carr.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 1 match

Home kit: large shallow casserole and a boiled kettle

Away kit: 4-6 plates, knives and spoons

Serves: 4-6 (well it should but often gets completely scoffed)


  • 1 lb. Neck or leg of lamb cut into 1 inch cubes
  • 4 tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 1 large onion
  • 4 cardamom pods, bruised
  • 4 green chillies, chopped
  • 2 red chillies, chopped (torn up if dried)
  • 1 thumb fresh ginger, grated
  • 4 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped
  • 1 tbsp. ground coriander
  • 2 tbsp. Paprika (Spanish is best, Rodders bought me some)
  • 1 tsp. turmeric
  • Some hot water
  • 1 tsp. tamarind paste or juice of 1 lemon
  • Some salt
  • A handful of fresh coriander leaves

Method: Preheat the oven to 180oC

First half

Fry the onion and cardamom pods in the casserole dish over a medium heat until the onion begins to brown. Reduce the heat and add the red and green chillies, ginger, garlic, coriander, paprika, turmeric and fry them for a minute. Add the meat and fry until the pieces are evenly browned, about another 5 mins.

Second half

Add a little hot water, the tamarind paste or lemon juice and place in the oven for 1¾ hours.

Or reduce the heat to 140oC and you can leave it for as long as you like, say a trip to the kickball and back again.

Full time results

Serve with plain boiled rice and dahl which you can pick up from the Indian on the way home from the match. Eat with a spoon, curries are always eaten with a spoon in our family.

Queens Park Rangers F.C. ~ Harry Redsnapper

Introduction: Henry James “Harry” Redknapp (born 2 March 1947) is a former English kickballer who is currently manager of Queens Park Rangers. He has had a long career in football management starting in 1983 with Bournemouth.


He is also known for his colourful quotes. “I sorted out the team formation last night lying in bed with the wife. When your husband’s as ugly as me, you’d only want to talk football in bed.”

Preparation time: 30mins

Cooking time: 4 or 20 mins depending if you choose whole fish or fillets

Home kit: Baking tray, small mixing bowl and dish, rolling pin (or hammer) .

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4


  • 1 pound whole Harry Redsnapper, cleaned and gutted OR fillets
  • For the marinade:
  • 2 cloves garlic
  • 2 stalks fresh lemongrass, cut in 1/4″ stalks
  • 1 Tablespoon fish sauce
  • 1 teaspoon brown sugar
  • 3 Tablespoons peanut oil
  • 2 Thai chillies, sliced thinly

Method: Preheat the grill

First half

Wash the fish and pat dry with some paper towels. If you’re using the whole fish, make two or three ¼” deep cuts diagonally across its flanks. Smash up the stalks of the lemongrass with the rolling pin (or hammer) but reserve about a 1″ of the softest stalk and chop finely. Combine the garlic, fish sauce, sugar, oil, chillies, smashed and chopped lemongrass in the bowl and let the it marinade for about 5 minutes, then remove the chillies and set aside in the dish for later use.

Pour the marinade over the fish. If you are using the whole fish, place the smashed lemongrass stalks in the body cavity of the fish. This will add some extra lemongrassiness. Let marinade for about 20 minutes.

Second half

Place fish under the hot grill. Cook for about 2 minutes on each side for fillets, 10 minutes on each side for the whole fish. The time necessary for a whole Harry Redsnapper will also depend on the size of him.

Full time results

Remove fish from grill and dress with the diced chillies and serve on the plates you warmed under the grill with sticky Thai rice. Once served and eaten, wait for a couple of hours and you will find that Fabio Cappello has resigned from whatever job he was in.

Newcastle United F.C. ~ Keeganaan

Introduction: On 5 February 1992, almost eight years after his final game as a player, Keegan returned to football as manager of Newcastle United. They had been relegated from the top flight in 1989 and narrowly missed out on promotion in 1990 after losing in the playoffs to arch-rivals Sunderland, but in 1991 they had failed to make the playoffs and at several stages in 1991–92 they had occupied bottom place in the Second Division. Following the dismissal of previous manager Ossie Ardiles, Keegan was appointed to prevent Newcastle from being relegated to the third tier of English football for the first time.


A stottie is a flat and round loaf, about a foot in diameter and quite deep used here as a traditional north eastern replacement for naan bread.

Preparation time: 10mins or o mins

Cooking time: None or 10 mins

Home kit: large mixing bowl, large frying pan

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4


  • 500g minced lamb
  • 1 egg
  • 2 green chillies, chopped (don’t rub your eyes)
  • 1 tbsp. ground coriander
  • 1 tbsp. garam masala
  • Handful fresh coriander, chopped (or a palmful of dried)
  • Generous pinch of salt
  • A little oil for frying

For serving

  • Chilli sauce
  • 1 stottie

Method: Preheat the oven to 100oC

First half

Put all the ingredients into a large bowl and mix with your hands. When nicely combined take it out of the bowl and onto a clean flat surface like a breadboard and knead it for a while until it becomes smooth and sticky, like dough. Form into four patties.

Second half

Put the stottie on a plate in the oven to warm through.

Put a little oil in a frying pan and fry each of the patties for a couple of minutes on each side. Put them in the oven to rest for 5 mins.

Full time results

While the patties are resting take out the stottie, cut into four and then prise open each quarter. Slop in a little chilli sauce, pop in a rested pattie and eat. With salad if you must.

Extra time

Alternatively, buy some seekh kebabs from the Indian on the way back from the match and stick them in a warmed stottie. With a salad if you must.

Aston Villa F.C. ~ Billy (Walker) Balti

Introduction: This recipe is named after William Henry “Billy” Walker, considered by many to be the greatest ever Aston Villa player. He was born in Wednesbury, Staffordshire and joined Villa in 1914 where he stayed for the rest of his playing career, retiring in 1934. He played for the club 478 time scoring 214 goals, he is still their all time top goal scorer. He played for England 18 times scoring 9 goals.

This recipe is from the Balti Triangle. Birmingham became Britain’s Balti capital following its arrival in the city in the 1970’s courtesy of the city’s Pakistani and Kashmiri communities. A Balti curry is traditionally cooked over a high flame with spiced fresh meat and/or vegetables then cooked again with extra spices and served in the round-bottomed balti dish.

You will find it easier to make the curry if you get all the spices ready beforehand. Do not attempt this recipe if pleasantly light headed. Kickballers, know your limits!

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 40 mins

Home kit: a large ovenproof casserole

Away kit: 4 balti dishes, naan bread and spoons

Serves: 4 as a starter

Dry Ingredients

  • ½ tsp. mustard seeds, crushed
  • 1 tsp. Garam Masala
  • 4 dried curry leaves, crushed
  • 1 tsp. sugar
  • 1 tsp. ground coriander
  • 1 tsp. ground cumin
  • 1 tsp. cinnamon
  • 1 tsp. ground cloves
  • 1 tsp. turmeric
  • 1 tsp. nigella seeds
  • 4 cardamom pods, bruised

Other ingredients

  • 1 tbsp. groundnut oil
  • 1 onion, finely chopped
  • 1 garlic clove, crushed and chopped
  • 1 thumb fresh root ginger, peeled and grated
  • 5 green chillies, chopped
  • Bunch fresh coriander, roughly chopped
  • 2 large chicken breasts, cut into bite-sized pieces
  • 250 ml vegetable or chicken stock
  • 1 tsp. tomato purée
  • Generous pinch of salt
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 1 large tomato, sliced

Method: preheat the oven to 180oC

First half

Heat the oil in the casserole over a medium heat, when it is hot but not smoking, add the lightly crushed mustard seeds, cook for 30 seconds only, beware they may pop and spit out of the pan. Add the chopped onion and cook for about 5 minutes until soft but not coloured. Then add all the spices plus the garlic and ginger. Cook for another couple of minutes, taking care to ensure the spices don’t burn.

Add the chicken and sugar stirring briskly to make sure all the chicken is coated in the spices and fry for 5 minutes , continue stirring to make sure nothing catches and burns.

Second half

Add the stock, the tomato purée, the pinch of salt and the bay leaf, bring to the boil and pop in the preheated oven. Cook for 25 minutes until the chicken is tender. Remove from the oven, add the fresh coriander and tomato, stir and set aside to continue cooking while you warm up the naan bread.

Full time result

Serve piping hot in Balti dishes with naan bread and Aston Spumante on the side.

Liverpool F.C. ~ Scoused herring

Introduction: Found swimming in The Pool, catch your herrings off the coast of Lancashire and scouse them up!

A scouser is named after a dish which I have not tried to cook as yet called lobscouse: a stew of meat and vegetables and hardtack that is eaten by sailors. I will find and post a recipe for it soonest.

Preparation time: 2 days and 3 hours and 20 mins

Cooking time: 0 mins (it’s a marinade!)

Home kit: medium saucepan, colander, casserole dish, fridge

Away kit: 1 serving plate

Serves: 6


  • 6 herring fillets (about 8 oz/225 g each)
  • 1½ tbls. salt
  • 1 tsp. English mustard powder
  • 2 large dill gherkins
  • 1 Spanish onion, thinly sliced

For the marinade:

  • 1 pint (570 ml) white wine vinegar
  • 1 tsp. whole allspice berries
  • 1 tsp. whole coriander seeds
  • 1 dried red chilli
  • ½ tsp. mustard seeds
  • a couple of bay leaves
  • 2 tsp. soft brown sugar

Method: preheat the fridge to cold (it’s a marinade!)

First half

Make the marinade in a saucepan by combining the vinegar, spices, chilli, bay leaves and sugar with 5 fl oz (150 ml) water. Bring to the boil and simmer very gently for 5 minutes. Remove from the heat and leave until cold. Next, sprinkle the herring fillets with the salt and let them drain in a colander for about 3 hours. After that, rinse off the salt and dry off any excess moisture with kitchen paper.

Second half

Cut each dill pickle into three lengthways, spread the side of each fillet thinly with mustard and place a piece of dill gherkin and some slices of onion horizontally at what was the head end of each fillet. Then roll them up from the head to the tail end – the skin being on the outside – and secure each roll with a cocktail stick. Pack them into an the casserole or dish and sprinkle the remaining onion on top. Pour over the marinade, cover the dish with cling film and put it in the lowest part of the fridge.

Full time results

The herrings will not be ready for serving for at least 48 hours and, in fact, they will keep well for at least a week. Stick on serving plate and eat with slices of fresh crusty bread.