-main course

Stoke City F.C. ~ Staffordshire hotpotters

Introduction: Stoke City Football Club is an English professional football club based in Stoke-on-Trent, Staffordshire that plays in the Premier League. Founded as Stoke Ramblers in 1863 the club changed its name to Stoke City in 1925 after Stoke-on-Trent was granted city status. They are the second oldest professional football club in the world, after Notts County, and are one of the founding members of the Football League.

File:Stoke City FC.svg

This is a great dish as you bung everything into one pot. Not much washing up to do.

Preparation time: 15 mins

Cooking time: 25 mins

Home kit: large heavy-based casserole dish , resting dish

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4

Ingredients

  • 1 tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 8 fat pork sausages
  • 1 large onion, finely chopped
  • 2 carrots, chopped
  • 2 x 415g tins baked beans
  • 2tbsp tomato ketchup
  • 1 bay leaf
  • 1tbsp Worcestershire Sauce
  • 1tbsp black treacle
  • Freshly ground black pepper
  • Generous pinch of salt

Method:

First half

Heat the oil in the casserole dish and brown the sausages all over which will take about 5mins. Set aside. Now soften the onion and carrots in the casserole by cooking gently, covered, for 10min.

Second half

Add the baked beans, tomato ketchup, bay leaf, Worcestershire sauce, black treacle and some seasoning. Return the sausages to the pan, cover and simmer gently for 10min, stirring occasionally, until the sausages are cooked through.

Full time results

Remove the bay leaf before serving with a green salad. Ha! Just kidding, mashed potatoes, serve with mashed potatoes.

You can cook this the day before and bung it in the oven to be ready to eat when you get back from the match.

Southampton F.C. ~ Currie McMenemy

Introduction: Lawrence “Lawrie” McMenemy MBE (born Gateshead, 26 July 1936) is a retired English football coach, best known for his spell as manager of Southampton Football Club.  He was on the Newcastle payroll but never played for the first team. Lawrie McMenemy is rated in the Guinness Book of Records as one of the twenty most successful managers in post-war English football.

His 12 years at Southampton put both him and the club on the map by guiding Southampton to FA Cup victory with a 1-0 win over Manchester United in 1976. They were runners-up in the League Cup in 1979 and the First Division in 1983-84. He persuaded Kevin Keegan, the then England captain, to join Southampton in 1980 after two years in the Bundesliga.

He is an ex-Coldstream Guardsman.

Blimey I’ve not cooked this in a while. I think the last time was for that great kickball aficionado David “Rodders” Carr.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 1 match

Home kit: large shallow casserole and a boiled kettle

Away kit: 4-6 plates, knives and spoons

Serves: 4-6 (well it should but often gets completely scoffed)

Ingredients

  • 1 lb. Neck or leg of lamb cut into 1 inch cubes
  • 4 tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 1 large onion
  • 4 cardamom pods, bruised
  • 4 green chillies, chopped
  • 2 red chillies, chopped (torn up if dried)
  • 1 thumb fresh ginger, grated
  • 4 cloves garlic, peeled and finely chopped
  • 1 tbsp. ground coriander
  • 2 tbsp. Paprika (Spanish is best, Rodders bought me some)
  • 1 tsp. turmeric
  • Some hot water
  • 1 tsp. tamarind paste or juice of 1 lemon
  • Some salt
  • A handful of fresh coriander leaves

Method: Preheat the oven to 180oC

First half

Fry the onion and cardamom pods in the casserole dish over a medium heat until the onion begins to brown. Reduce the heat and add the red and green chillies, ginger, garlic, coriander, paprika, turmeric and fry them for a minute. Add the meat and fry until the pieces are evenly browned, about another 5 mins.

Second half

Add a little hot water, the tamarind paste or lemon juice and place in the oven for 1¾ hours.

Or reduce the heat to 140oC and you can leave it for as long as you like, say a trip to the kickball and back again.

Full time results

Serve with plain boiled rice and dahl which you can pick up from the Indian on the way home from the match. Eat with a spoon, curries are always eaten with a spoon in our family.

Queens Park Rangers F.C. ~ Queens Pork Bangers with Terry Vegetables

Introduction: Queens Park Rangers Football Club were founded in 1886 after the merger of Christchurch Rangers and St. Judes Institute. Their traditional colours are blue and white. In the early years after the club’s formation in their original home of Queen’s Park, games were played at many different grounds until finally the club settled into their current location at Loftus Road. Owing to their proximity to other west London clubs, QPR maintain long-standing rivalries with several other clubs in the area. The most notable of these are Chelsea, Fulham and Brentford, with whom they contest what are known as West London Derbies.

File:Queens Park Rangers badge.png

The stylish pre-2008 badge

Terence Frederick “Terry” Venables (born 6 January 1943 in Dagenham), often referred to as “El Tel”, is an English former football player and manager, as well as being a media pundit. During the 1960s and 70s, he played for various clubs including Chelsea, Tottenham Hotspur and Queens Park Rangers, and gained two caps for England and he managed Queens Park Rangers as well as being a director of the club.

El Tel has also co-authored four novels with writer Gordon Williams and is the co-creator of the ITV detective series Hazell, about a fictional private detective named James Hazell.

Preparation time: 10mins

Cooking time: 30ish mins

Home kit: large frying pan, large saucepan, medium saucepan and a colander (it’s the bowl with holes in it)

Away kit: 4 warmed plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4

Ingredients

  • ½ tbsp. vegetable oil
  • 8 good-quality pork sausages
  • 900g (2lb) Désirée potatoes, cut into chunks
  • 40g (1½oz) butter
  • 1 large leek, thinly sliced
  • 3tbsp milk
  • 1tbsp wholegrain mustard
  • 4tbsp red onion marmalade

Method: Preheat the oven to 90oC and put in the plates

First half

Heat the oil in the large frying pan and quickly brown the sausages over a high heat, turning often. Turn the heat down to its lowest setting and leave to cook gently for 20 to 30 minutes until cooked through, turning every so often.

While you keep an eye on them, put the potatoes into the large pan with salted water, cover, bring to the boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for 15-20min until tender. Shove them in the colander and leave to steam dry for a couple of minutes – this stops your mash turning watery.

Second half

Now concentrate here; in the medium saucepan melt half the butter and fry the leek over a gentle heat, covered, for about 25mins until softened.

Melt the remaining butter in the now empty potato pan and add the milk. Add the potatoes and mash until creamy. Stir in the leek and mustard.

Full time results

Slop the mashed spuds onto the warmed plates, I  like to stick the sausages into the mash and spoon on the red onion marmalade.

[There are not too many Terry Vegetables I hope you agree.]

Newcastle United F.C. ~ Geordie Pan Heggarty

Introduction: This is a bit convoluted so pay attention…  The Stanley Cricket Club of Byker was later formed in November 1881and renamed Newcastle East End F.C. in October 1882. In 1886 Newcastle East End moved from Byker to Heaton.

In August 1882, Newcastle West End F.C. formed from West End Cricket Club, and in May 1886, the club moved into St James’ Park.

The two clubs became rivals in the Northern League. In 1889 Newcastle East End became a professional team, before becoming a limited company the following March.

Newcastle West End were in serious financial trouble and approached East End with a view to a take over. Newcastle West End were eventually dissolved, and a number of their players and backroom staff joined Newcastle East End, effectively merging the two clubs, with Newcastle East End taking over the lease on St James’ Park in May 1892.

Newcastle United Logo.svg

Pan Heggarty is a traditional dish from the north east of England. It is a filling dish and a cheap way to fill stomachs.  The linguistic the root of Heggerty is probably the same as haggis , both derived from the French “hache” meaning chopped.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 40 mins

Home kit: Saucepan, large frying pan, grater and large mixing bowl

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4

Ingredients

  • 2 large potatoes, par boiled and cooled
  • 1 medium onion, chopped
  • 4 rashers smoked streaky bacon, chopped
  • 2 cloves gnarly garlic, chopped
  • 150g strong cheddar cheese, grated
  • Handful fresh parsley, chopped (or a palmful of dried parsley)
  • Olive oil

Method:

First half

Par boil the spuds in the saucepan for 10 mins and leave to cool, running them under cold water helps. Fry the bacon in the large frying pan till crispy. While that is happening roughly grate the large potatoes into a large mixing bowl (large potatoes are easier to hold than little ones) then crumble in the crispy bacon and mix in the onion, cheese and chopped parsley. Make 4 patties out of the mixture.

Second half

Add some oil to the bacon fat (also called lard) in the frying pan and on a high heat fry the patties until they are crisp and brown, about 4 minutes a side. It is best to do them two at a time or the patties do not crisp up.

Full time

Lay the table with the away kit and serve and eat as soon as they have cooled down enough, with salad if you must.

Tottenham Hotspur F.C. ~ Steak and Yidney pie

Introduction: Tottenham Hotspur Football Club, commonly referred to as Spurs, is an English football club that plays in the Premier League. The club’s home stadium is White Hart Lane and it is the first premiership stadium I ever visited when I went to watch The Millwall play thereFile:Tottenham Hotspur.svg some time around 2002 I think.

Founded in 1882, Tottenham won the FA Cup for the first time in 1901, making it the only non-League club to do so since the formation of the Football League. Tottenham was the first club in the 20th century to achieve the League and FA Cup Double, winning both competitions in the 1960–61 season.

Supporters of Spurs adopted the nickname “Yid” as a direct response to opposition fans originally using the word against them as a form of taunting and abuse. “Yid” is used as a badge of honour by the supporters of Tottenham Hotspur F.C., whether they be Jewish or not. And it is in that kickballing spirit that I have named this recipe. I do not wish to offend in any way, this is a kickball cuisine recipe for Spurs fans, for their history and for their chant. This is not a commentary on the broader issues of race and religion. I hope you enjoy the recipe.

Preparation time: 45 mins

Cooking time: One kickball match (3 hours)

Home kit: a casserole, 3 pint pie dish, pie funnel, kitchen scissors, shallow dish and set aside dish.

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4

Ingredients

  • 25g (1oz) butter
  • 2tbsp vegetable oil
  • 900g (2lb) braising steak, cut into 1 inch cubes
  • 3 lamb’s kidneys, snip out the white gristle and quarter
  • 3 tbsp. plain flour
  • 2 onions, peeled and finely sliced
  • 2 garlic cloves, peeled and chopped
  • 1 x 570ml (1 pint) dark ale
  • Good splash Worcestershire sauce
  • 100g (4oz) chestnut mushrooms, quartered
  • 375g (13oz) puff pastry
  • 1 egg yolk, to glaze the pastry
  • Sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • A little water

Method: Preheat the oven to 160oC

First half

Put the flour in the dish and season, coat the bits of steak and kidney in the seasoned flour. Heat the butter and oil in the casserole over a medium heat and brown a few pieces of meat at a time to seal in the flavours. Set aside and continue until it is all browned. Add a little water to the casserole and loosen the loveliness at the bottom with a wooden spoon. Now fry the onions and garlic to cook for 10 minutes until soft and lightly coloured.

Add the ale and Worcestershire sauce and season. Put on the lid and cook in the oven for one kickball match (2- 2½ hours) until the meat is tender.

Add the mushrooms, stir and pour into the pie dish. Put the funnel in the centre and cool.

Second half – Increase the oven temperature to 200oC.

Grease the rim of the pie dish. Roll out the pastry on a lightly floured board. Cut a 1 inch strip of pastry and press on to the rim of the pie dish. Brush the rim with water. Roll the remaining pastry to make a lid and place on top of the pie, pressing down the edges. Trim and knock up by using a flat-bladed knife and horizontally tapping the edge. Decorate the centre of the pie with a pastry cockerel standing on a kickball. Mix the egg yolk with a little water and brush over the pastry. Place in the oven and cook for 25 to 30 minutes or until the pastry is risen and golden brown.

Extra time

The cooked meat mixture can be frozen for up to a month in the pie dish in a freezer bag. To assemble the pie, simply defrost and play the second half.

Full time results

Stick on a plate with peas and eat with a pint of ale.

Manchester United F.C. ~ Sir Alex Burgerson

Introduction: Sir Alex Ferguson was born on the 31st December 1941 in Glasgow. He shares a birthday with my grandfather.

He has won 49 trophies as a manager, making him the most successful British kickball manager in history.

The key to cooking a good burger is to create umami.  You can achieve this by getting the griddle you cook your burger on extremely hot before cooking. If you set off the fire alarms you’re doing it right!

Preparation time: 20 mins

Cooking time: 4 mins, plus 5 mins Bergie time

Home kit: griddle or barbecue,

Away kit: 4 plates, knives and forks,

Serves: 4

Ingredients

  • 4 x 100% Aberdeen Angus beef burgers
  • 4 x soft white floured bread rolls
  • Salt and freshly ground black pepper
  • Olive oil
  • Lettuce – shredded
  • Tomato, cut into strips
  • Dill pickles, cut into strips
  • Mayonnaise (full fat not the sliming rubbish)
  • Tomato sauce

Method: Preheat the barbecue or griddle till it’s smoking hot

First half

Coat the burgers with a generous pinch of salt and pepper. Allow to sit for a few minutes while the griddle or barbecue gets hot, stinking hot. Now coat with a light brush of olive oil and place on the heat and sear for one minute. Turn and sear for one minute. Rotate 90o and turn to get a goal net pattern going on your burgers, sear for one minute. Turn and sear for the final minute.

Put aside to rest for 5 mins (Bergie time) to allow the meat to relax and become soft.

Second half

While the burgers are resting toast the buns. Put the mayonnaise and tomato sauce on the base of the roll then cover with the shredded lettuce. After the 5 mins Bergie time place the pattie on the bun/lettuce combo and make a lattice of tomato and dill pickle strips on top to make a tasty vegetable tartan.

Full time results

Close the bun and eat vigorously as if on the side lines chewing gum.

Manchester City F.C. ~ Kompany casserole

Introduction: Vincent Jean Mpoy Kompany, is a very nice Belgian chap and captain of Manchester Citeh.

That is how you spell it according to my friend and fervent Citeh supporter Phil Clews.

Mr. Kompany is an ambassador for the SOS Children’s villages charity that provides education and safe accommodation for children living in poverty in the Democratic Republic of Congo, where his dad comes from. He is listed 23rd in the world’s top 100 kickball players.

This recipe is ideally suited to a kickball day. You make it on the day before and stick it in the fridge to fester. It cooks best from a cold oven so you can set the oven to finish cooking when you get back from the match/pub (ask a young person how to do this).

Preparation time: 20 mins

Cooking time: 1 hour + 20 mins to brown

Home kit; Large frying pan, large and quite deep 13″x9″ baking tray, medium mixing bowl

Away kit: 8 warmed plates, knives and forks

Serves: 8

Ingredients

  • 1 lb. Grated potatoes
  • 1 onion, chopped or grated
  • 1 lb. ground pork sausage meat, browned in a frying pan and drained
  • 1 green pepper, chopped
  • 4 oz. sliced mushrooms (or a small tin, drained)
  • 4 oz. grated Cheddar cheese
  • 1 doz. eggs
  • ½ pint whole milk (none of that skimmed rubbish!)
  • Salt and pepper to taste

Method: Don’t preheat the oven

First half

Spread half of the grated potatoes in the lightly greased baking tray, tin or glass it does not matter. Then layer on half the onion, all the sausage meat, the remaining onion, green pepper, mushrooms and half the cheese. In the bowl, whisk together the eggs, milk and seasonings. Pour this mixture over the casserole; top with remaining grated potatoes and cheese. Cover with cooking foil and refrigerate overnight.

Second half

Place the casserole in a cold oven and bake, covered, at 180oC for about an hour. Uncover and bake for a final 20 minutes to brown the top, test by inserting a knife into the centre,  if it comes out nice and clean we’re done.

Full time result

Serve at once on warmed plates with nothing, it’ a meal in itself.

Fulham F.C. ~ Craven Cottage pie

Introduction: Craven Cottage has been the home ground of Fulham since 1896.  Its current capacity is 25,700, the record attendance was for a game against the Millwall Dockers on the 8th October 1938 and stands at 49,335.

This pie should be made with King Edward potatoes as they were named after King Edward VII who was King when Fulham ascended to the football league in 1903.

Preparation time: 20 min

Cooking time: 1 hour 20 mins

Home kit: a large saucepan, large shallow ovenproof baking dish

Away kit: 4-6 dinner plates and forks

Serves: 4-6

Ingredients

  • 1 tbsp. sunflower oil
  • 1 lb. beef mince
  • 1 medium onion, chopped
  • 2 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
  • 2 x 400ml cans of chopped tomatoes
  • 350g frozen mixed vegetables (carrots, peas, green beans)
  • 1 lb. peeled potatoes
  • A knob of Butter (proper stuff)
  • A matchbox sized piece of strong cheddar, grated
  • Generous pinch of salt and pepper

Method: Preheat the oven to 180oC

First half

Heat the oil in the saucepan over a medium heat and fry the onions until soft, then add the beef, keep frying until the beef is evenly browned, this will take about 10 minutes. Now pour in the two cans of tomatoes, Worcester sauce and the frozen mixed vegetables. Season to taste, with salt and pepper, cover and simmer for 30 minutes.

While that’s happening, cut the potatoes into small chunks (they cook quicker) and boil them in salted water until soft. Drain and mash them to smithereens with the butter.

Second half

Now it all comes together.  Lightly grease the baking dish and spoon in the mince mixture. Spread the mash over the top and sprinkle the cheese over the mash. Place in the oven for 30-40 mins until thoroughly hot and the cheese is bubbling.

Full time result

Serve on its own on piping hot plates.  It’s a meal in itself!

Aston Villa F.C. ~ Claret and beef

Introduction: Aston Villa’s colours are a claret shirt with sky blue sleeves, white shorts with claret and blue trim, and sky blue socks with claret and white trim. They are the original wearers of the claret and blue having stated some time after 1886.

File:Aston Villa FC logo (2000-2007).svg

[This is the pre-2007 badge, for extra claret-y]

To celebrate this fact here is a claret, beef and mushroom stew for the making of.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: First half 30 mins, second half 3 hours

Home kit: large ovenproof casserole, slotted spoon, two set aside plates

Away kit: 4-6 dinner plates, knives and forks

Serves: 4-6

Ingredients

  • 7 rashers streaky bacon, cut into inches
  • 8 shallots
  • 400g quartered button mushrooms
  • 1.5kg stewing steak, cut into 1 inch cubes
  • 4 tbsp. oil
  • 5 garlic cloves, crushed
  • 2 tbsp. flour
  • 1 bottle claret (Bordeaux)
  • 1 tsp. sugar
  • bunch of fresh herbs
  • flour
  • salt and black pepper to taste

Method: Preheat the oven to 150oC

First half

Fry the bacon in the casserole dish until lightly browned. Add the onions and cook in the bacon fat for about 5 minutes then add the mushrooms, stirring gently for about 5 minutes. Scoop out of the casserole with the slotted spoon and set aside.

Pour the oil into the casserole dish and brown the steak cubes in small batches (too many and they steam rather then fry). Set them aside as you go. That done, put the browned meat back in the casserole dish, add the garlic and sprinkle the flour over the meat. Place in the pre-heated oven for 15 minutes while you prep the herbs and perhaps taste a little of the wine?

Second half

Now we season the dish, add the wine and the herbs (any mix of thyme, rosemary, tarragon, bay leaves, parsley), sugar, salt and pepper then cover and cook the casserole in the oven for three hours, while you adjourn to the pub/match.

Full time result

On your return add the bacon/shallot/mushroom mixture. Return to the oven and heat while you boil the potatoes that you are going to serve it with.

Kickball Cuisine ~ Spaghettian Wright, Wright, Wright marinara

Introduction: Ian Wright is a patron of the African-Caribbean Leukaemia Trust. My impression from a number of documentaries and interviews about and with him, is that Ian Wright is passionate about the beautiful game, his family and the wellbeing of the human race in general.  I find his honesty cool, deep and refreshing.

He has scored 9 goals for England while gaining 33 caps.  And what a nice cap that is…

There is not a lot to pasta but what there is, is important.  The pasta must be cooked immediately before serving.  It should be cooked in a voluminous (BIG) saucepan with a lid and there should be lots of water to stop the pasta reabsorbing starch it has released while cooking.

Preparation time: 1mins

Cooking time: 8 mins(ish)

Home kit: a large saucepan, a large colander,

Away kit: some warmed plates, knives and forks

Serves: Some

Ingredients

  • 90g per person dried pasta

OR

  • 100g per person fresh pasta
  • Lots and lots of water, a litre per person
  • 1 tsp. salt per person
  • Chris Kamarinara sauce

Method:

First half

Stick the necessary amount of water into the pan and boil it.  Add the salt and then quickly put in your pasta of choice.

Put the lid back on and bring the water up to the boil quickly then take it off and put it aside.  Lower the heat to a simmer.

Second half

Simmer the pasta of your choice for about 8 mins if it is dried spaghetti. 

I choose this as our most likely choice here in the UK.  There are tables for differing pasta’s in proper pasta cooking books, this is a good average.

Turn off the pasta, run in a little cold water to stop the cooking.  Drain in the large colander keeping a little of the water back in the pan, you’ll know what’s right.  Return the drained pasta to the saucepan and pop the lid back on to keep the warmth in. 

Full time results

Chuck the Chris Kamarinara sauce into the pasta pan, stir it up to coat the pasta with the sauce and serve in the warmed plates.