Newcastle United F.C. ~ Mississippi Mag Pie

Introduction: Newcastle have probably been known as the Magpies since their founding on the 9th December 1892. Probably because of their black and white strip BUT there is a possibility that it comes from the tale that a pair of Magpies nested at St James’ Park shortly after it was built in 1880. You should know that Newcastle United actually played in red and white until 1904.

This recipe is loosely based on the Mississippi mud pie that probably originated on the banks of the Mississippi and it should resemble the consistency of the eponymous mud.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Chillin’ time: 30-40 mins

Cooking time: 40-45 minutes

Home Kit: plastic bag, rolling pin, two medium mixing bowls that sit snugly on a saucepan, the saucepan that they fit onto and a 9 inch (23cm) cake tin with a removable base.

Away kit: Tea, tea cups, saucers and side plates

Serves: Some

Ingredients

• 200g digestive biscuits
• 60g and 180g unsalted butter (you’ll see why soon)
• 60g and 180g dark chocolate (just wait and you’ll see alright?)
• 4 large eggs
• 180g brown sugar
• 200ml double cream

For the topping

• 100ml double cream
• 2 tbsp. icing sugar
• Some grated dark chocolate

Method: preheat the oven to 180^oC (160^oC if it’s a fan oven)

First half

Crush the digestive biscuits in the plastic bag with the rolling pin. Put the 60g portions of butter and dark chocolate (see told you) into the bowl over the pan with simmering hot water in it and melt them together. Then mix in the biscuit crumbs. Stick this gunge into the greased cake tin and stick the whole lot into the fridge.

Second half

Melt the remaining dark chocolate and butter in a bowl and leave to cool. Now beat up the eggs and brown sugar in the other bowl then whisk in the double cream. Lastly fold in that second batch of melted chocolate & butter. Pour the mixture over the chilled biscuit base and bake for about 40 – 45 minutes. Take it out and let it cool completely before popping it back in the fridge.

Extra time

For the topping whip the double cream with the icing sugar until it will hold soft peaks. Spread over top of pie and sprinkle on the grated chocolate.  I have yet to find a way of doing this in neat stripes.

Full time results

Serve with a nice cup of tea at half time, traditionally with ice cream in the Southern states.

Tottenham Hotspur F.C. ~ Bill Nicholbuns

Introduction: William Edward “Bill” Nicholson OBE (26 January 1919 – 23 October 2004) player, coach, manager and scout who had a 36-year association with Spurs.

He joined the Spurs ground staff in 1936 and signed as a professional there when he was eighteen. Then he joined the Durham Light infantry at the outbreak of the second world war becoming a Sergeant Instructor where he learned training and man management techniques. He returned to Tottenham Hotspur in 1946 to play 314 games and scoring six goals. He was a key part of the “push and run” team that won the 1950-51 league championship. 

He managed Tottenham Hotspur from 1958 to 1974, leading them to the first League/FA cup double of the twentieth century in 59/60, the first British team to win the European Cup in 1963, winning the first all London FA Cup final against Chelsea, the League Cup again in 1971 and 73 and UEFA Cup in 1972.  Does this make him the most important figure in Spurs history?

And so to the recipe…  There are two ways of preparing these buns, the American way is to put them directly onto the baking sheet, the Swedish way is to put them into bun cases on the baking tray.  You can choose case/no case.  It’s up to you but this is mostly the Swedish approach.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Rising time: 90 mins

Cooking time: 6-8 mins

Home kit: large mixing bowl, cling film, baking sheet, tea towel

Away kit: Cake stand

Serves: a kickball team

Ingredients

• one sachet of dried yeast
• 175g butter (75g for the dough, 100g for the filling)
• 250ml milk
• 150g granulated sugar (50g for the dough, 100g for the filling and a bit extra for sprinkling)
• a pinch salt
• 1 teaspoon ground cardamom
• 500g flour
• 1 egg
• 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
• Some water

Method: the oven needs pre-heating in extra time

First half

Put the yeast in a bowl and stir in a few tablespoons of milk. Melt 75g of butter and pour in the milk, now add 50g of the granulated sugar, salt, cardamom and flour. Knead the dough for 10-15mins.  Cover the bowl with cling film and let the dough rise at room temperature for half an hour.

Second half

Roll out the dough to about 3mm thick and 30cm wide. Spread the rest of the room-temperature butter on top. Make a mixture of the rest of the sugar and the cinnamon and sprinkle it over the dough.

Roll the dough lengthwise to make a Swiss roll affair, cut the roll into about 25 slices. Place them with the cut edge facing up into bun cases on the baking sheet and let them rise under a tea towel for about an hour or until the buns have doubled in size.

Extra time: preheat the oven to 250^oC

Beat together the egg and 2 tablespoons of water, brush the mixture carefully over the buns and sprinkle sugar on top to finish.

Bake in the pre-heated oven for 6-8mins. Allow to cool on a wire rack.

Full time results

Arrange on cake stand and scoff with afternoon tea or coffee at half time.

Manchester United F.C. ~ Paul Schones

Introduction: Paul Scholes is an exemplary kickballer playing for Manchester United and an excellent cricketer in his day. He started training for Manchester United at the age of 14.  He has played 499 matches for them, scoring 107 goals.

He has also represented England from 1997 to 2004 earning 66 caps. One of the best kickballing midfielders of his generation during which he amassed some 120 bookings. He has retired twice.

He is an asthmatic and has a knee condition with the excellent name of Osgood–Schlatter disease, which sounds a little Chelsea-esque to me. He does a lot of work encouraging the youth of Manchester by making school appearances and is a strong supporter of the Hearts And Minds Challenge charity that is looking to build a centre of education for autism.

A savage on the field; a saint off it.

Preparation time: 30 mins

Cooking time: 20 mins

Home kit: non-stick baking sheet, food processer, medium mixing bowl

Away kit: A serving plate

Serves: 8

Ingredients

• 225g/8oz self-raising flour
• Half a teaspoon of salt
• 55g/2oz cold butter, diced
• 30g/1oz caster sugar
• 150ml/5floz milk
• 115g/4oz chopped dried apricots (ginger you see)

Method: Preheat the oven to 200^oC

First Half

Lightly oil a non-stick baking sheet.

Sift the flour and salt into a food processor. Add the butter, whiz to fine crumbs, and then tip the mixture into a bowl. Otherwise, sift the flour and salt into a bowl and, using your fingertips, rub the butter into the flour until it resembles fine breadcrumbs.

Stir in the sugar and the dried apricots, then add the milk and mix until it forms a soft, spongy dough.

Turn out onto a lightly floured surface and gently knead until it is just smooth. The raising agent starts to work as soon as the liquid is added, so it’s essential to be quick.

Second Half

Roll out the dough to about 2.5cm (an inch) thick. Dust a 7cm (2¾ inch) diameter pastry cutter in flour and quickly stamp out your scones.  Place the scones on the baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes until well risen and brown.

Full time results

Allow to cool a little and serve warm with a nice cup of tea at half time.

Manchester City F.C. ~ Alan Oat Cakes

Introduction: Alan Arthur Oakes played as a midfielder for Manchester City and is their all-time appearance record holder. He made 680 league and cup appearances for them in total, scoring 33 goals. He was given the club’s Player of the Year award in 1975 and was inducted into the Manchester City Hall of Fame in 2005.

Alan Oakes was renowned for his professionalism among the footballing figures of his time.  And what greater compliment can you get then when an opposing manager, Bill Shankly,  described him as “exactly the kind of player youngsters should use as a model”.

Preparation time: 10mins

Cooking time: 20 mins

Home kit: large saucepan, 8 inch square baking tin

Away kit: Serving plate

Serves: a kickball team

Ingredients

• 200g (7oz) butter
• 150g (5oz) Demerara sugar
• 4tbsp golden syrup
• 1tsp ground cinnamon
• Finely grated zest of ½-1 orange, to taste
• 400g (14oz) jumbo oats
• 100g (3½oz) raisins or sultanas

Method: Preheat the oven to 190^oC

First half

Grease and line the baking with grease proof paper. Melt the butter in the saucepan and add the sugar, syrup, cinnamon and orange zest. Stir and heat gently until the sugar dissolves.

Second half

Remove pan from heat and stir in the oats and raisins. Press into the baking tin and bake for 15-20min until golden brown.

Full time results

Leave to cool before cutting into squares and popping on the serving plate for a nice cup of tea at half time.

Fulham F.C. ~ Johnny Hayneselnut pizza

Introduction: John Norman “Johnny” Haynes (17 October 1934 – 18 October 2005) played his entire career of 18 years at Fulham, playing 657 games and scoring 157 goals between 1952 and 1970. Still a club record.

He was the first player to be paid £100 a week, this was in 1961. And Pelé is quoted as saying of Haynes, he was the “best passer of the ball I’ve ever seen”.  Hence you will need napkins for this pizza as it distributes itself everywhere.

Preparation time: 10mins

Cooking time: 10 mins

Home kit: 10 inch baking tray

Away kit: 1 large serving plate, 6 side plates and napkins, did I mention napkins?

Serves: 6

Ingredients

• 1 thin and crispy pizza base (10 inch)
• 4 tbsp. Nutella
• 2 tbsp. toasted hazelnuts
• A handful of raspberries or strawberries or dates or whatever you fancy really.  No, not anchovies.  Definitely not anchovies.
• Icing sugar, for dusting

Method: Preheat the oven to 230^oC

First half

Bake the pizza base on the baking tray for 4 mins.

Second half

Smooth the Nutella over the top, sprinkle with nuts and put back in the oven for just 1 min. Scatter the raspberries (or whatever) over the pizza. Dust with icing sugar.

Full time results

Serve straightaway with lashings of ginger beer. Napkins, don’t forget the napkins.

Aston Villa F.C. ~ Aston Vanilla pudding

Introduction: Aston Villa Football Club are based in Witton, Birmingham. The club was founded in March 1874 by Jack Hughes, Frederick Matthews, Walter Price and William Scattergood. They have played at Villa Park since 1897. Aston Villa were founder members of The Football League in 1888. They have the fourth highest total of major honours won by any English club.

The first villa match was against Aston Brook St Mary’s Rugby team. The first half was played under rugby rules, the second under football.  That was truly a game of two halves.

Preparation time: 5 mins

Cooking time: 10 mins

Home kit: a medium saucepan

Away kit:  4 pudding bowls and spoons

Cooling time: 1 kickball match and a bit

Serves: 4

Ingredients

• 2 large eggs
• ⅔ cup sugar
• ¼ cup flour
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 2 cups milk
• ½ Tbsp. butter (optional, but I think it adds a richness to the pudding)

Method:

First half

Combine the eggs, sugar, flour, and vanilla in the saucepan with a whisk. Add the milk, whisking as you go, until everything is silky and smooth. cook on a medium heat, stirring frequently, until the mixture comes to a boil and thickens. Stir in the optional butter until melted.

Second half

Remove from heat, pour into a container and allow to cool before eating.

It tastes great cold, but I think it’s Villainous when warm.

Everton F. C. ~ Sticky Toffees Pudding

Introduction: Everton have been known as The Toffees since they moved to Goodison Park in 1892. This is probably because there was a sweet shop nearby called Mother Noblett’s that sold toffees. The ground was also opposite the lock up that forms part of Everton’s club crest.  (It’s a lock up?  Yes, it’s a lock up.)

There is also a Toffee Lady tradition in which a girl walks around the perimeter of the pitch before the start of a match throwing free Everton Mints into the crowd. Hoorah!

They are now often referred to as “The people’s club” a semi official nickname after a quote from David Moyes before he moved to take over Manchester United.

Preparation time:  10 mins

Cooking time: 3-4 mins, then 30-35 mins

Home kit: Small saucepan, medium mixing bowl, electric whisk mixer thingy, ovenproof dish or brownie tin.

Away kit: Some pudding bowls and spoons.

Serves: Some

Ingredients

• 200g dried dates , stoned and chopped. Buy Medjool if you can
• 250ml black tea (not too strong)
• ½ tsp. bicarbonate of soda
• 85g unsalted butter, softened
• 175g self-raising flour
• 1 tsp. mixed spice.
• 175g golden caster sugar
• 2 beaten eggs

Sauce

• 100g light muscovado sugar
• 100g unsalted butter
• 142ml carton double cream

Method: Pre heat the oven to 180^oC

First half

Put the dates and tea into the saucepan and bring to the boil. Cook for 3-4 minutes to soften the dates. Stir in the bicarbonate of soda.  It’s frothy man!

Beat the butter and caster sugar together with the electric mixer until pale and creamy, then beat in the eggs, flour and mixed spice. Fold in the date mixture and pour into the buttered ovenproof dish or brownie tin. Pop in the oven and bake for 30-35 minutes or until the top is just firm to touch.

Second half

While that’s happening, make the sauce by putting the sugar, butter and cream in a saucepan (I use the same one as the tea/date mixture after a quick sloosh) over a low heat and simmer until the sugar has dissolved. Cook until the sauce is a lovely toffee colour, you’ll know it when you see it.  Remove from the heat and allow to cool a little.

Full time result

Take the sticky toffees pudding out of the oven, cut it into squares and serve with the warm sauce and a scoop of vanilla ice cream.

Chelsea F.C. ~ José Pralineho

Introduction: (I know, I know, but he was influential) José Mourinho is a Portuguese football manager and former football player, who was the manager of Chelsea. He first moved to moved to there in 2004 and won the Premier League title with a record 95 points (the club’s first league title in 50 years) and the League Cup in his first season. In his second year Chelsea retained the Premier League and in 2006–07 he took the club to an FA Cup and League Cup double, though they finished as league runners-up. Mourinho left Chelsea in September 2007, amidst reports of a rift with club owner Roman Abramovich.

Mourinho has also been a part of social initiatives and charity work, helping with a youth project, bringing Israeli and Palestinian children together through football and donating his “lucky” jacket to Tsunami Relief, earning £22,000 for the charity.

José Mário dos Santos Mourinho Félix, is the special one and this is a special simple sweet. This tastes even better if you make it the day before and leave it over night.

Preparation time: 20 mins

Cooking time: 5 mins, cooling time at least 1 hour

Home kit: Large bowl and large saucepan

Away kit: Large serving plate

Serves: Some

Ingredients

• 100g butter
• 1 tbsp. brown sugar
• 3 tbsp. cocoa powder
• 3 tbsp. golden syrup
• 50g sultanas
• 200g crushed Rich tea biscuits (I love Rich Tea biscuits)
• 150g chocolate (for topping)

Method:

First half

Put some water into the large saucepan and the bowl on top, bring the water to a simmer. Melt butter, sugar, cocoa powder and syrup in the warming large bowl. Add the crushed biscuits and sultanas and stir well. Spread mixture onto a baking sheet so it is about 1.5cm thick. Allow to cool 15 mins.

Second half

Melt the topping chocolate in the warmed bowl and spread over top of the first mixture. Allow to cool 45 mins.

Full time results

Cut into small (3cm) squares, stick on the serving plate. Eat.

Liverpool F.C. ~ Kop cakes

Introduction: Under no circumstances should a kickball supporter attempt this recipe. It’s just too fiddly. Kickball supporter, know your limits!

The Kop at Anfield dates back to 1905-06, the season that saw Liverpool lift the second of their league championships. It was christened as the Spion Kop by Ernest Jones in memory of the many scousers who died in the Battle of Spion Kop. The battle was fought about 24 miles from Ladysmith on the hilltop of Spioenkop (meaning hill with a view) along the Tugela River, it was between the South African Republic and the Orange Free State on the one hand and British forces during the Second Boer War during the campaign to relieve Ladysmith and resulted in a British defeat.

Preparation time: 45 mins

Cooking time: 20 mins

Home kit: 2 12-cup muffin tins or silicone pans with cupcake liners, 2 small mixing bowls, 1 medium and 1 large one, a spatula, a shallow bowl, a mixer and a piping bag with a drop flower nozzle (I say again; kickballers, step away from the kitchen!)

Away kit: 31/24/12/6/4/2 or 1 tea plate(s)

Serves: 31/24/12/6/4/2 or 1 very greedy person

Ingredients

For the cupcakes:

• 375g sifted cake/ supreme sponge flour (Sainsbury’s sell supreme sponge flour)
• 1 heaped teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 3½ tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1 bottle (38 ml) red food colouring
• 112.5g unsalted butter, softened
• 337.5g caster sugar
• 2 eggs, at room temperature
• 1 teaspoon vanilla essence
• 1 cup whole milk, at room temperature
• 1 small teaspoon white vinegar
• 1 small teaspoon baking soda

For the frosting:

• 150g unsalted butter (don’t use spreadable butter)
• 250g cream cheese (mascarpone is best)
• 225g – 450g cups royal icing sugar, sifted (to taste and consistency preferred)
• 200g Nestle Milky Bar (1 large bar)

Method: Preheat oven to 180^oC

First half – the cupcake batter

Line up the two 12-cup muffin tins with cupcake liners.

Sift together the cake flour, baking powder, and salt into the medium bowl and set aside. In the small bowl, mix food colouring and cocoa powder to form a thin paste without lumps and set aside.

In the large bowl, using a hand mixer or electric mixer, beat butter and sugar together until light and fluffy, about three minutes. Beat in the eggs one at a time and then beat in the vanilla and the red cocoa paste. Scrape down the bowl with a spatula as you go. Add one third of the flour mixture to the butter mixture, beat well, then beat in half of the whole milk. Beat in another third of flour mixture, then second half of the milk. End with the last third of the flour mixture, beat until well combined, making sure to scrape down the bowl with the jolly old spatula.

Second half – a bit more prep and cooking

In the other small bowl, mix vinegar and baking soda. Be careful as it will fizz. Add vinegar mixture to the cake batter and stir well. Fill cupcake cups with cake batter until they are a little under 3/4 full. Place muffin tins in your preheated oven. Bake for approximately 20 mins, rotating pans halfway through. The cupcakes are done when you are able to pat the tops and the cake springs back up. If it sinks down they are not yet complete. Or you can insert a toothpick into the centre of a cupcake in the centre of the tin and if it comes out clean they are done.

Cool the cupcakes in their tins on a wire rack for 10 minutes then remove and allow to cool completely before frosting.

Extra time – frosting

Make sure all of your frosting ingredients are at room temperature.

Melt the white chocolate in a bowl over boiling water stirring regularly to ensure it doesn’t burn. Once melted remove from heat and allow to cool to room temperature

In another mixing bowl, mix butter on medium speed until light and creamy. Add cream cheese and mix until fluffy. Add the cooled melted white chocolate and mix until combined.

Slowly add the sugar, one cup at a time until you have the consistency and taste that you prefer.

Full time result

This required a steady hand and a clear mind. Pipe the frosting onto the cooled cupcakes, I like to use a drop flower nozzle. The icing can get a little soft while using. If so, put the iced cup cakes in the fridge until the icing has set. Serve on the tea plates and scoff.

Reading F. C. ~ Biscuitmen cheesecake

Introduction: Another recipe inspired by the great supporter of Reading F.C., my friend Alien. He told me that Reading were once called the Biscuitmen because of an association with Huntley and Palmers, who were based in Reading. This is a recipe incorporating biscuits and blueberries as discussed in The Ferryboat on Sunday, 10th March 2013.

Huntley & Palmers was a British firm of biscuit makers originally based in Reading, Berkshire. The company created one of the world’s first global brands and ran what was once the world’s largest biscuit factory.

Preparation time: 20 mins

Cooking time: 1 hour

Home kit: 23cm (9 inch) loose-bottomed cake tin, large mixing bowl

Away kit: 6 plates

Serves: 6

Ingredients

• 75g butter
• 200g digestive biscuits, crushed
• 500g full fat mascarpone cheese
• 1 x 397g can condensed milk
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• 3 eggs, beaten
• Finely grated zest of one lemon
• 150g blueberries

Method: Preheat the oven to 170°C

First half

Melt the butter in a large saucepan, don’t get it too hot or the butter will burn. Remove from the heat and stir in the biscuit crumbs. Tip them into the base of the cake tin, pressing them down with your fist to make a firm base. Chill in the fridge for about 20 minutes.

Second half

While it is chilling you make the filling. Beat the soft cheese in the mixing bowl until softened, then whisk in the condensed milk, vanilla extract, eggs and lemon zest. Pour the filling over the biscuit crumb base, then sprinkle the blueberries over the surface. Stick on the middle shelf of the oven to bake for 1 hour, until set.

Full time result

Leave until completely cold, serve.

Apologies to Kate who cannot eat this because of all the dairy shenanigans.

Alien also told me about his family’s claim to fame regarding H&P. The children’s TV series Chigley, narrated by Brian Cant, features a biscuit factory called Cresswell’s (perhaps a play on words for Crosse and Blackwell?). The factory was based on Huntley and Palmers where Alien’s great uncle worked. The character Willie Munn is based on him. Here is a picture of that famous Biscuitman.